“He who conquers others is strong. He who conquers himself is mighty.” -Lau Tzu
I stared at the sky glaring at God. My eyes hot with fire and my cheeks warm with tears. The cold air hurt my teeth as I hissed at him for his cruelty.
“Fuck you…” I challenged him and waited for him to answer but as usual he wasn’t there.
“I hate you, your a fucking coward. Do you enjoy watching people suffer?” I waited but as usual he wasn’t there.
I loosed my fist and stomped away like a child who’s fathers ignored his temper tantrum. It felt good, It felt really good. Then I felt why, and it felt horrible. It felt like I was the stuttering kid who got bullied everyday. It felt like I was the fat kid with a heavy handed father and a self loathing mother. It felt like I was the nice guy that always finished last and got cheated on. It felt like I was the dad who did his best but his daughter didn’t want to spend time with him. It felt like everyone and everything was against me!
I felt like a victim. And as long as I was a victim I wouldn’t have to take responsibility for myself. I wouldn’t have to look inside myself and be honest. I could manipulate others to validate me, meet my needs and feed my narcissism.
It felt good because if I blamed God, the bullies, my childhood or women I didn’t have to blame myself. I could blame my parents who actually did a great job for my failures as a father. I could blame my daughters independent spirit for my lack of initiative. I could be super nice and blame womens selfishness for not fulfilling my never ending list of emotional and physical needs.
I didn’t have to learn to love, validate or control myself. I didn’t have to do the hard work. I didn’t have to be a grown up… or be a man… or a provider.
Then I felt it and it felt good. It coursed through my veins, my heart beat hard my thoughts became clear and I stood upright like a man. Then I felt why. For the first time in my life I took responsibility for myself. I placed the cornerstone for the foundation of the man I work my ass off to become everyday.
I’v came a long way and I have a long way to go. Join me on this journey, together lets conquer our fears and become the best version of ourselves we can be.
Photo credit rudall30@123rf.com
